Enforcing Mindfulness

If I think about just the present I am happy, super happy in fact.  If I think no farther than what I am going to make for dinner or my next household chore then my life feels safe and orderly, I feel productive and like a useful person.   I feel a sense of worth and joy.   Each morning I make a list, I do the tasks in order and listen to podcasts (today it will be podcastle). The only thing that matters is the story I am hearing and that I keep moving.

But if I think just a little farther ahead, then my mind fills with pain and confusion.  If I think about jobs that I have applied for or should apply for. If I think about paying bills, having kids, having a farm someday then I start crying.  Sometimes even thinking about tomorrow, or plans for the weekend is enough to put me into almost a state of panic.  I feel like a have no control over the future, so much so, that making plans seems like a waste of time, in fact making plans feels wrong, bad somehow.

I understand the cause of this mostly.  I am afraid, and hiding from that fear just feels better.  But it is starting to get pretty extreme.  I don’t want to read my email, I don’t want to see my friends.  I don’t want to leave the house except for bootcamp (happens on the same days, same place, same time, someone else tells me what to do).   I don’t want to come into contact with anyone or anything that reminds me that I am connected to the future.  If I talk to someone they might say “How is the job hunt?” or “What are your plans for Alchemy”  or “Would you like to hang out on this day or that?” and I can’t deal with those sorts of questions.

To give an analogy:

Life is a river, constantly moving forward.  The terrain on the bottom of the river changes,  the scenery changes.  I have chosen to lay on a raft with my eyes closed.

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